i'm home

Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,

Be it ever so humble there's no place like home!
A charm from the sky seems to hallow us there,
Which, seek through the world, is ne'er met with elsewhere.
Home! home! sweet, sweet home!
There 's no place like home!

An exile from home, splendor dazzles in vain:
O, give me my lowly thatched cottage again!
The birds singing gayly that came at my call;—
Give me them,—and the peace of mind dearer than all!

How sweet 't is to sit 'neath a fond father's smile,
And the cares of a mother to soothe and beguile!
Let others delight mid new pleasures to roam,

But give me, oh, give me, the pleasures of home!

To thee I 'll return, overburdened with care;
The heart's dearest solace will smile on me there;
No more from that cottage again will I roam;
Be it ever so humble, there 's no place like home.
Home! home! sweet, sweet home!
There 's no place like home!

It's been three years since last i stepped inside my mother's house. Three years. and now, I'M HOME AGAIN! I just love coming home to a house my mom arranged. I love our cross-stitches hanging on our walls, the arrangement of the chairs and sofa and tables, the little baskets and pots all around the room, the curtains, the placemats, plates and kitchenware. basta, they're different. And my most favorite things at home are the books we've collected over the years. There's this red book collection (but i learned na ung volume na lang ng nursery rhymes ang naiwan sa amin),the shakespeare volume, the line of c.s. lewis works and a variety of other christian authors, and the collection of classics on the bottom shelf. paradise. you can just drink in all the words. and of course there's also my brothers' collection of forgotten realms, david eddings, bryan jacques, etc. Minsan i just sit and stare at the books on the shelves and feeling ko nabasa ko na sila lahat. hehe. Basta.

Hay, ang sarap talga umuwi sa bahay. =)

starting summer

What's nice about being a student is that we get to have summer vacations. Yey! Our lives are divided into school and no-school periods. Pag professional ka na, you don't get to feel the changing seasons and summertime doesn't mean respite from work. Buti na lang estudyante pa rin ako!

Kami sa IVHome ay hindi nagpahuli sa pag-celebrate ng end ng classes at pag-kick-off sa aming mga housemates na graduating this year. Syempre. For our sem-ender cum year-ender slash kick-off slash welcome-kuya-steve-party, pumunta kami sa Coco Palm Resort sa Guimaras nung Friday, March 23. At kumpleto kami, in fairness. Pati yung mga working girls present. yeeeha! As expected, picture galore ang nangyari. =p

Sun. Sky. Swimming. Sunburn. Sarap ng Mangga. Perfect! If you haven't tasted Guimaras mangoes, you haven't tasted Philippine mangoes yet. Big and succulent. Ano pa ang hahanapin mo sa beach?

On the night we got there, we had Wine and Turkish Delight and excerpts from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe read by our Canadian guest Kuya Steve. We also played Scruples until about 11pm. Then for the first time in so long, I slept in a hammock under the stars, lulled by the gentle breeze, the beat of the waves on the shore, the song of the crickets and the warmth from the wine.

The next day, we had breakfast overlooking the sea, praise and prayer, and boating + swimming in the morning. Natinik ng sea urchin si Yanyan, na-sting ng jellyfish si Frozti, muntik nang malunod sila Nang Bjo and Jimjim, at ginawang taga-hatid&sundo si Kuya Steve from the beach to the island in the deeper end of the sea. We all got a tan. Nice.

Sad to say, I had to leave at 3pm because I had to get back to Iloilo for community work on Sunday, our last for the year. Grrrr... The rest of the housemates stayed for another day.

as always

Ang pag-ibig, di ko gets. Ang buhay, madalas di ko gets. Ang med school, lagi di ko gets. Unfortunately.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

There are times when I feel overwhelmed by the amount of material that we need to know in such a short time, the gravity of this profession, the consequences of our errors, and the future.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Exams breathing down our necks, papers waiting to be written, reports clamoring for our attention, and mounds of books begging to be read.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Often I feel inadequate, unprepared, small.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Afraid? No sirree, am not afraid.

Do not be afraid for I am with you.

I'm terrified... petrified. Scared out of my wits.

Be joyful always.

Hindi pa ko ready mag-junior intern! Hindi pa ko ready mag-board exam!

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Wala pa kong alam! Pano pag bumagsak ako sa Block? Pano pag nagkamali ako sa wards?

If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

I find myself asking again, "Why am I here? Why did I choose medicine again? Why am I participating in this kind of torture?"

I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Sana nag-literature major na lang ako. Or teach english as a second language. Or genetic research. Or anything but medicine.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Faced with the amount of stuff I need to understand and memorize, I shut down.

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

I can't think at all. Nag-hang ata ung brain ko.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

During these times, there is nothing for me to do but run to my Heavenly Father and cry my heart out. It's the ultimate detox.

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord.

I am small.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

I am inadequate.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

I can't do this alone.

I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Last night, I could no longer stem the tide of despair that washed over me as I thought about tomorrow's exam. Hindi pa ko handa mag-exam bukas.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

And so I ran to the Lord. And he was there. Waiting.

Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.

And like always, I felt better after being hugged by the loving arms that hold the universe together.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

Like always, his voice is soothing and familiar. It came and calmed me.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

And He brought me out of the pit that I put myself in.

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

I guarantee there will be other times as these... hindi pa ito ang huli.

Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.

Kanina, I slept in a hammock between our jackfruit tree and a post in our porch. The breeze was cool and the afternoon was not too hot. It was very refreshing.

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Mamaya, lamay nanaman kami mag-aral.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

And tomorrow will come as tomorrows always do.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

And next year, ganito ulit. And like last night, He will also be there to hold me then.

He will not let your foot slip -- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

As always.

detox

ang stress pag sumosobra na e nakaka-pangit (hindi nakakabaliw. kase matagal na kaming baliw. papasok ba naman kami ng med kung mejo wala kaming sayad?) since ayaw namin pumangit, meron kaming mga paraan para mag-detox kapag sobra nang ngarag ang buhay med. ito ang ilan:

1. kumain. hay, ikain na lang ang masamang resulta ng exam. ikain ang masamang resulta ng eleksyon. kumain sa Korean, Japanese, Thai, Filipino, Italian at kung ano-ano pang kainan para gumaan-gaan naman ang loob.

2. manood ng sine. nitong mga nakaraang linggo napanood ko na ang Curse of the Golden Flower, Music&Lyrics, at 300.

3. mag-celebrate ng birthdays. kami ng mga barkada ko ay nag-iikot ng card at bumibili ng cake o ice cream kapag may birthday sa amin.

4. mag-MO2. daanin sa kanta at sa tawa ang mga hinanakit sa buhay!

5. window-shop. magsuot ng damit at sapatos kahit hindi bibilhin. therapy ito.

6. magbasa ng walang kinalaman sa med. nitong mga nakaraang linggo tinapos ko ang Man, Woman and Child ni Segal, Out of the Silent Planet ni Lewis, The Mark of the Lion Trilogy ni Rivers at Silence of the Lambs.

7. manood ng DVD. Prisonbreak, Princess Hours, Dr. House, Grey's Anatomy, Strong Medicine, OC, Desperate Housewives, etc.

8. matulog. hanggang sumakit ang katawan mo kakahiga sige tulog lang.

9. maglakad. sa CPU o sa Sports Complex. masarap maglakad hanggang pagod ka pagod ka na tapos paguwi mo sa bahay matutulog ka na lang.

10. magpa-ganda. oo, magsuot ng dangling earrings, mag-makeup o lip gloss man lang. magsuot ng palda, kumain at magbihis ng maganda. magpa-hot oil. at kung ano pa.

11. mag-blog. =) need i say more? pwede rin tingnan ang aming mga pictures sa tint27.multiply.com

***

detox. syempre, every week namin yan ginagawa.

they say in med school you either sink or swim. well, we have our own ways to sail. ;p saya!

3 years ago

It's good to have a journal kase you can always go to back to that particular date and see, hear, smell, and feel the way you did when you made that memory. It's priceless. As I was browsing through my friends' blogs, I came across one of mine na nakalimutan ko na kung ano yung password ko. I never did make it public kase... basta. Nakalimutan ko na ung rason. I was transported to 3 years back as I read this. Waaaahh!! 3 years ago na yon? Ambilis ng panahon... Sayang konti lang mga posts ko nun.
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March 4th, 2004
02:12 am - shout-outs

oh my gosh! i just got in from my thesis presentation. wahahahaha! tapos na ko mag-defense! at least im done with one of the parts ng thesis making. andami ko pang gagawin. as in complete revision ng manuscript and all that boring stuff pro at least tapos na ung defense! yehey!andaming food! grabe. =) ansayasaya! =) im graduating this april..... er ... i mean, i hope to graduate this april pala! hehe.tonight sa sv we're goin' to celebrate my 21st birthday! debut ko na! kahit nung feb27 pa. anyway, im so happy i can laugh again! yehey!
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March 16th, 2004
04:13 pm - ngarag time

phew! i'll just take a breather muna. kagabi pa ko gumagawa ng acad stuff e. i've just passed my thesis manuscript sa head ng division namin. yeyey! *tint jumps around like tigger* Ü yehey! at least nabigay ko na kahit editable pa yun at pwede pa tagain ng profs ko. haaay... at least its done na, mostly. =)this week is my hell week. i have five exams! 5! grabe! kahapon i had one, tomorrow i have two and on friday i have two again. tapos deadline ng term paper sa friday, and i haven't written a word para dun! and all my overdue exercises dun sa isang subject ko di ko pa napapa-pass... waaah!!! ngarag na ko. =) pero i still find time to go online. funny noh! haha!this weekend, svcf will hold its welcoming night cum sem ender thingy. yehey! we'll be welcoming about 15 new esvees! 15 new people to serve God through svcf for next schoolyear! yehey! =) excited na ko.graduation is on april 24. haaay. sana nga makagraduate na ko. laterdays...
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March 31st, 2004
11:54 am - - graduation....

yahahahahahaha! gra-graduate na ko! yehey! tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang graduation sa april 24! =) i got all my grades yesterday and im soooo happy! i passed everything! yipee! ang funny kase when i got my grades i left the building, went to my friend who was waiting by the stairs... tapos... we screamed! ahahha! kakatuwa. kakahiya nga lng kase ung mga students na nakatambay sa kabilang building e rinig na rinig kami so when we left e binati na rin nila kami. so embarrassing! pero mas kakahiya yung nangyari after!haha! my friend and i brought mountain bikes along with us kase strike nga ng jeepneys. so ayun. when we were leaving the building we were joking about me doing what meg ryan did in city of angels... yung nag-no hands siya sa bike tapos namatay. so my friend was telling me to take care baka matulad ako sa city of angels when bam! waaaaaaaaahhhh! I FELL OFF THE BIKE! as in! nakakahiya. my friends at the other building, yung mga nakarinig samin na sumisigaw na gagraduate na ko, saw me fall. sobra. im sure that if i was a blushing person id have been red as a beet. as it was, tumawa na lng ako ng tumawa while still on the ground! grabe, di ko mapigilan, it was so embarrassingly funny! =) i have three big bruises on my knees tuloy today. haha!im soooo happy. =) basta, i will graduate on time. Praise the Lord! great things he has done indeed! =)kanina, i had my graduation picture taken. hope it turns out okay. hindi pa nman ako photogenic... hahah!
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I did graduate on time. By God's grace. I did look good sa gradpic ko. By God's grace ulit! I passed my thesis on time. Hay Lord salamat talaga!Masakit malaglag sa bike, pero ok lang kase ga-graduate naman ako. I turned 21. Hay, masaya nun.

I remember... I remember it all...

I was alive. I miss college. Life was easier then. Hehe.

I shared about 'Crossing-Over' into the "graduate" side sa mga manug-graduates dito sa IV sa Iloilo last week. And I realized na hindi pa pala ako fully naka-cross over. Haha.

ilaw

may electricity na ulit kami sa ivhome!!! wheeehaa!!! yeyey!! *cartwheels* yey! *clap,clap*

yep kaninang umaga, mga 9am. ginising ako ni mamang PECO at ikinabit na ulit nila ang linya ng kuryente sa bahay namin. inis akong gumising kase kakatulog ko pa lng nung 5am (galing ako sa ibang bahay nag-aral... naks!) pero nung makita ko ung sasakyan ni mamang PECO halos mahalikan ko ung mamang sigaw ng sigaw sa may gate namin!

Hay salamat Lord. may ilaw na. at may tubig na ulit kami sa banyo. Di na ko nag-igib ng tubig o lumipat ng bahay para maligo before going to school kaninang umaga.

tamang-tama lang kase nag-Fellowship nanaman ung GSCF sa bahay. Sem-ender. =)

bahay at buhay

We at the ivhome have been living in darkness since friday. Black everywhere. Can't see a thing. So I'm making this blog at school sa library namin (and dami ko na tuloy di pa nasusulat) since my computer hasn't been charged for days. Grrrr.... Add to that, we don't have water kase electric pump ang nagbibigay ng tubig sa aming mga gripo. So you can just imagine the state of the house by now. I don't know when we'll have electricity again. Sabi ni ate Ging it takes 3 working days daw for PECO to reconnect our lines. Waaaaaah!!!!!

So diba added stress ito.

Naputulan kami ng kuryente nung Friday dahil nakalimutan magbayad ng kung sino mang magbabayad. Ang saya diba! Exam namin nung Monday. At andami naming dapat pag-aralan this week. We're on to malignant lesions of the female reproductive tract. Cool.

Anyway, hindi tumitigil ang buhay maputulan man kami ng kuryente at balik igib nanaman kami. So kanya-kanya kami ng mga housemates ko ng paraan kung paano namin mate-take tong pangyayaring ito. May mga umuuwi ng hatinggabi para tulog na lang ang gagawin sa bahay, may mga hindi na lang umuuwi kase nahihirapan daw mamaypay sa init. May lumilipat sa kapitbahay para mag-aral at mag-computer.

Ako naman, dun ako sa bahay ng mga classmates kong mga Bisaya, ilang bahay mula sa amin. Pumupunta ako sa kanila ng 11pm at andun ako hanggang 4am nag-aaral. Oo, noh, nag-aaral ako. In fairness. Sabi ko nga ok na nawalan kami ng kuryente kase nakaka-aral na talga ako ng mabuti. Mga nerd kase nakatira dun sa bahay na yon. As in, NERD sila lahat! Pero dati na naman ako tumatambay dun sa bahay nila para makinood ng mga DVDs o kaya makipagkwentuhan lang pag bored nako sa bahay. Dun ako nakitulog kagabi sa room ni Jologs since wala naman siya dahil duty nya sa ospital. =) Yey, ung mga streetmates ko dati e pseudo-housemates ko na talaga ngayon. Hay. Mamaya at malamang bukas din, andun nanaman ako. Buti na lang may mga classmates akong malapit ang bahay sa amin!

Pero hindi ako dun naliligo. Kila JR ako naliligo. Katabing bahay namin to sila aka IVHome extension. Hehehe. What are KCmates for after all? Mabuhay ang KCmates! ;p Ayoko dun mag-aral kase malambot ang couch nila at may malaking TV pa sa sala. Di ko kaya ang ganung temptation. So stay away na lang dba.

Ang saya talaga ng buhay.

stress

grabe yung stress level ko nung isang linggo (feb 26-mar6) hanggang nung tuesday. nagsabay-sabay kase lahat ng kelangan namin gawin:

sunday morning - preliminary gawa ng pharma research presentation

sunday afternoon - punta sa wake ni Mom (hindi nanay ko). syempre emotionally draining ito kahit hindi ko siya lola. friend of the family lang naman ako pero ako yung representative ng mga mijares. e iyakin ako so nastress at nalungkot ako nun syempre.

sunday night - puyat para sa 10am major exam kinabukasan

***

monday morning - exam; class sa hapon at SGD hanggang 5pm; ang sungit pa ng tutor namin. kamote talaga oh! marami kaming LIs. grr...

monday night - lamay para sa presentation ng pharma research bukas ng 8am. mula 8pm hanggang pasado alas dose gumagawa pa rin kami.

***

tuesday morning - inabutan na ng umaga sa bahay mga classmates ko. birthday ko pero super stressful. nagising ako ng 8! buti na lang late nagstart yung presentation. at waw, contest pala yung presentation. at syempre may stage fright pa naman ako na matindi. so ngarag ako na naghintay ng turn ko. at number 9 pa kami, sampu ung groups. lahat ng tao pangit na sa paningin ko. hahaha! pangit! pangit!

tuesday night - dinner with iv grads to welcome mama labs and ate yvet and tita christy.

tuesday even later - cake and tea sa ivhome to celebrate d bday ko

tuesday going to wednesday morning - syempre habol sa aral dahil kumain lang ako nung gabi dahil nga may mga bisita

***

wednesday afternoon - klase nanaman kasama ng masungit naming tutor (gising ko hapon na)

wednesday night - regular Fellowship naman ng GSCF sa bahay. ended at 10pm!

***

thursday morning - habol nanaman sa aral dahil di naka-aral nung gabi

thursday afternoon - klase, lectures hanggang alas singko

thursday evening - duty sa OB! wow toxic. apat yung nanganak. halos wala kaming tulog mula 6pm hanggang 6am ng kinabukasan. stressful din sa Labor Room at lalo na sa Delivery Room.

***

friday morning - plakda ako dahil duty nung gabing nakaraan. tanghali nako nagising.

friday afternoon - last day ng SGD. hay salamat.

friday evening - may event nanaman sa ivhome. at syempre attend nanaman ako. late ulit natapos of course.

***

saturday lunch - nito na lang ako nagising.

sunday morning - gawa nanaman ng presentation para sa PCM research namin sa tuesday

sunday evening - cram nanaman para sa 10am exam kinabukasan.

***

monday - exam sa umaga. SGD at class sa hapon. lamay nanaman sa gabi para sa research.

tuesday - at 830am na gising ko! 8 ung presentation. number 9 ulit kami. buti di nako presentor. si mary. birthday nya kase. =) buti nanalo kami! yey!

at nun lang bumaba ng konti stress level ko. hay.

***

waw, stress. natural na yun sa kurso ko. pero last week talaga sumobra siguro. di ko nakayanan. nagkasakit tuloy ako. nung isang araw pa ko may sakit. sipon. at may ubo nako ngayon. ang saya. buhay med nga naman. umaandar kami sa stress.

week-day night out

i just came in from mary's bday bash at MO2 Annex. nag-videoke kami. we started at 830pm. i just got home. kase nag joy-ride pa kami. =) dala kasi ni gelai ung big bus nya (it's a van, i call it the big bus) and we went around iloilo. bumili kami ng pan de buho (bread from the hole) and dumaan kami sa red light district ng iloilo. basta paikot-ikot lang kami kase we wanted to see iloilo at night. the streets were bare and it was quiet. kami lang yung maingay. dapat mag-oovernight kami kila gelai but we had to go home. reason prevailed. hehehe.

fun, fun, fun. happy birthday mary!

kaya lang our songs tonight we're kinda sawi. it was sawi night. puro love songs na sawi. or slow songs. wednesday night blues. i don't know why. baka nga kase wednesday and may pasok pa kami bukas. haay... pero enjoy pa rin kami sa pagkanta ng mga sawing kanta.

sayang wala kami pix kase sira yung cam.... awww.....

edad (late posting)

24. I don’t feel like it.
I kid myself that I don’t look it.
How did I get here?

When I was 5, all I wished for were chocolates. And Barbie. And books.
Brothers were the greatest. I was glad to be the only sister.
Other girls were irritating. Boys even more so.

It was great to be 10.
I dreamed of being a concert pianist or a National Geographic writer.
I lived in this wonderful building that seemed like paradise to me.

When I became 12, I prayed for Peter Pan to bring me to Neverland.
I was scared of growing up.
Brothers were such pain in the a**.

I can remember drama, drama, and drama at 15. In spades.
Getting into UP was my only goal.
High school rocked but I knew it wouldn’t last.

I was anything but sweet at 16.
Three parts girl, two parts boy (haha) and sadly, nothing like my mother.
I tried my wings all right, and they felt good.

The day I turned 18, I wished I was still 12.
I didn’t notice that I gained any parts woman or make the transition to perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls. But the boy parts gladly took a bow and left.

I still kept the curls at 20. They were long, untamed and all over the place.
College was everything I wished for and I have never felt more alive.
And it was then that the call of missions via medicine came.

I was on my way to becoming a doctor at 22.
I thought boys were a nuisance. They only make you cry.
I was right.

To my mind, nothing beats books, ice cream and chocolates.
I still think brothers are the best and one can do without older sisters.
I’ve resigned myself to being a good audience in concerts.
National Geographic can wait; I’m giving myself more time.
It’s getting harder not to notice the boys. Haha! But for now, I’d rather not.
I learned that if you can’t beat the girls, you might as well join them and have fun.
Yeah, so make-up makes sense. But unnecessary most of the time.
One big part girl, one small part woman. Not a problem; I’m in no hurry anyway.
Being a doctor scares me but I’ll follow as long as the Lord leads me.
24 doesn’t seem so bad… But I still haven’t lost hope on Neverland. ;p

usapang Obstet at Gyne

::warning: contains sensitive material. hahaha! :) ::

For the past 5 weeks, we’ve been studying the female reproductive system in school. OB and GYNE Block kase kami ngayon. Puro buntis, pano mabuntis, paano di mabuntis, at kung ano-ano pang pambabaeng topics (at panlalaki!) ang dini-discuss namin sa klase. Kung ano-ano na din ang mga nakita namin. Dahil may hospital exposure na kami, nakakita nako ng normal at cesarean delivery. Pero sa class, may demo pa nga kung pano gumamit ng condom. Syempre sa plastic model lang, kayo tlaga o. Nako noh, di nakakatuwa ang makita ng sobrang dalas yung mga parte ng katawan na yon, nakakasawa kamo.

Nagkataon naman na nung linggo ng birthday ko, bale last week yon… guess what kung ano ung topic? STDs! Panalo diba. Waw pare, happy birthday tlga! Sobra. Sobrang overkill! At syempre, para matutunan namin kung ano itsura nung mga STD na yon kelangan may pictures yung mga teachers pag nagturo. At saan ba nakikita ang mga sugat ng STD? Oo, tama ka. At dahil hindi lang ang babae ang nagkaka-STD, syempre may pictures din nung sa lalake. Grabe. Buti na lang matigas ang sikmura ko. Haay, nakakawalang gana kumain, sinasabi ko senyo. E sa harap pa ko nakaupo, as in first row, so medyo lang kitang-kita ko diba… haay, natawa na lang ako… happy birthday nga naman.

Anyway… dahil sa mga lectures namin nitong nakaraang mga linggo, napagtanto ko na kaya pala feeling ko ang ganda-ganda ko nung Valentine’s Day (at napansin din daw ni Ate Ging na ang ganda ko nun) e dahil nag-oovulate ako nung mismong araw na iyon. Sabi ko na nga ba e! Nafee-feel ko na yun e. Akala nyo dahil may date noh. Hay nako, wish nya lang. =) Hahaha, wala lang, natuwa lang ako. Kakaiba kase yung timing at ang galing kase totoo nga na nakaka-ganda pag nag-oovulate. Hahahaha!

Happy birthday to me!

something from Dr. Luke

One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the people crowding around him and listening to the word of God, he saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

And that was the opening lines telling me how Simon's life was turned upside-down by the Lord. Actually, I prefer saying: at ganun-ganun na lang sinimulan ni Jesus "sirain ang buhay" ni Simon. The entire passage is in Luke 5:1-11.

I have seen this passage countless times, studied it many times over and yet always, always there is something new to learn. And always, it leaves me shaken. Tonight was no exception.

Ayan kase e. Missions night ngayon dito sa IVHome. Sabi ko na nga ba e... ganun-ganun na lang. Hay. There are two things that always catches my attention when I read this. First is Jesus's order to 'put out into deep water' and the second is Simon's answer of 'because you say so'.

Med. This is the deepest I've gone so far. I know I'll be told to put out to even deeper waters. And I still don't know how to swim yet. Scared? Like Simon Peter. And like him, I find myself answering back: because you say so Lord.

Iiwan ko na muna tong post na to ng ganito.... kelangan ko pang mag-isip...

one long blog

I went on duty again yesterday, March 1, the last one for me this semester. Like the first time, 6pm – 6am ang duty namin. Unlike last time, it wasn’t boring. We were able to observe 4 NSVDs: 3 were live births, 1 was FDU. I’ll explain those terms later.

Our first delivery happened a little after 7 pm. The would-be mother was very loudly complaining as she writhed upon the bed and was telling everyone that she felt that her baby was about to come out na. The doctors assured her that her baby wasn’t going to come out anytime soon since she was only 6cm dilated. I held her hand when she felt the contractions and she squeezed them like a vise. All I could do was murmur to her softly that she was going to make it and teach her to blow when the contractions started. When she was finally fully dilated, she was brought to the Delivery Room and mounted. She didn’t have much trouble as her baby just seemed to pop out of her (NSVD: normal spontaneous vaginal delivery). It happened really fast considering that she’s a primipara (first time manganak). She had a beautiful baby girl as her firstborn for all her efforts.

Our second delivery was another DDR patient. Not as loud and not as fussy. She was already 8cm dilated when she was brought to the Labor Room. She stayed there for only a handful of minutes and was mounted in the DR in no time. Like the first woman who delivered, hers didn’t take long either. She had a very cute baby boy naman as her firstborn.

Our third was by a gravidocardiac patient (she had a heart disease) to a beautiful baby girl she named Chelsea. She had been at the hospital since 7am daw. She was given epidural anesthesia just before she was brought to the Delivery Room. Her baby was supposed to be born by forceps delivery kaya lang, malakas ang loob ni mommy and kinaya nya umire. So hindi na tinuloy yung forceps delivery and lumabas na agad si Chelsea.

All three were suffering considerably as they experienced contractions. Labor pains aren’t called labor pains for nothing. All felt compensated for their efforts when they first set eyes on their babies. You could see the joy on their faces when they finally saw their child, bunga ng siyam na buwan ng paghihirap. Grabe yung change sa itsura ng mga mommy pagkatapos nilang umire at alam nilang lumabas na yung baby nila. They suddenly get this satisfied yet tired look on their faces but you know that they are extremely happy. Hindi maipinta ang itsura nila nung pinasok sila sa DR pero upon leaving, they could even smile and wave at us. Nakakatuwa. I generally don’t like babies pero being there in the Delivery Room and witnessing a life brought into the world lightens my heart. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful as those babies and the look on their mother’s faces after delivering them.

Nakakalungkot lang dahil hindi lahat naging masaya nung gabing iyon. While Chelsea’s mom was being repaired (she had an episiotomy), another woman was brought in. She was only 28 weeks pregnant, and her baby was dead inside her (FDU: fetal death in utero.) As she was being mounted, we could see something protruding from her and we realized that it was the head of her baby. The doctor delivered the fetus and performed completion curettage on the mother. It was a boy.

Our fourth patient didn’t become a mother. And all of us, siya, kami, the attendings, the nurses, the JIs, were affected. One of my classmates cried. The woman hardly uttered a sound the entire time. I never once saw her lift her head or even struggle. She just lay there with an air of deep sadness about her and her eyes held no life, no joy. It was heartbreaking. But what breaks my heart even more is that she was only 16.

All of us left the room with a heavy heart after that.

*****

All of the women who gave birth yesterday were younger than I. Another one in the labor room, who was being observed for spotting at 31 weeks of pregnancy, was only 18. One was going to be a single mom; she was 23. She didn’t tell the father that she was going to have a baby. In her words, ‘e gago naman siya e’.

I couldn’t imagine myself in their situation. I can’t even take care of myself properly at this age yet they are already giving birth! I don’t envy them. I don’t know if I should feel sad for them. They didn’t seem to be sad about their situation. All of them except the 16-year old looked so sure of themselves and prepared to be a mother.

I can’t imagine myself a mother at this age, let alone during my late teens! I have never even had a boyfriend and am not even considering having one at the moment!

I think of these girls and I wonder. I do not know their stories. I wish I did. But I didn’t have the chance or the courage to ask. After all, it was the first time I’ve ever seen them and probably the last time as well. What brought them to this? Did they want this for their lives? Did they plan to be mothers at this age? How do they feel? Did they wish they could go back and take the other path that didn’t lead to where they were now? If things were different, would I be like them now? What if I was in their shoes, how would I feel? What would I do?

I think of these things and my mind is in turmoil and I see a picture of my inaanak on the wall beside my bed. She is very beautiful and seeing her picture smiling at me never fails to make me smile back. She is precious to me and so is her mother. I love them both. And on the heels of that thought come the answers to my questions. And for now, I am satisfied with them.

sobrang dami

andami kong kwento.... di ko alam pano ko magsisimula.... andami tlga...

teka, mag-iisip muna ko... babalik na lang ako ulit dito pag handa na ko magsalita...