on the other side part1

i feel like bursting right now.... actually, i've already cried thrice in the past hour. i can't help it. i just can't. tears just seem to jump from my eyes at the littlest things..... i've just gone through what it is like to be the 'folks' (that's what we call everyone around the patient. hehe). and it's not nice. it's not pretty. buti sana kung alam ko na makakauwi ng maayos at malakas ang pasyente ko at the end of, say, 3 days. sana kung acute gastroenteritis o kaya acute tonsillopharyngitis lang ang sakit nya... kahit sabihin pa nating dengue.... mejo ok pa e.... pero when you know its the big C, mahirap. it's hard not to feel sad, not to feel helpless, to question why. why them? why now? why not someone else i don't know? why not someone who's less good? waaaaaaaaaaaaah.......

i know, i know. i've read Lewis's The Problem of Pain as well as Yancey's Where is God When It Hurts and i have heard all anyone can say regarding God's plans and his goodness and sovereignty and all but it doesn't stop me from breaking down and crying or feeling sad when i learn that someone i know has the big C and that it could be metastatic. haaaay. even if they're not relatives, they're still family. it hurts to see them in pain. and i hurt because they hurt. ang hirap.

kanina i also realized that our hospital is not 'folks-friendly'. andaming pasikot-sikot, pa-ikot-ikot. buti na lng at taga-hospital ako so alam ko kung anong gagawin ko, sino pupuntahan ko, saan ko hahanapin ung kelangan ko. e pano ung ibang mga folks. they have to deal with all the high-falutin things the nurses, the residents and the interns are throwing at them aside from the emotional upheaval that having a sick loved one brings them. dagdagan mo pa ng nakakahilong set-up ng hospital kung saan ang layo ng cashier, xray, lab, ecg at kung ano ano pa jan..... e nakakaloka nga naman tlga. idagdag mo pa na hindi ka magagalaw kung wala kang pera.... no wonder so many folks get mad at us, the interns, e litong-lito na siguro sila.

nahihilo na ko..... FD pa ko..... maka-iyak na lng muna at makatulog.....

ciao....